Carl Loid Listens to Some Sexist Crap

No, “Some Sexist Crap” is not a band name. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to describe a song that popped up as a YouTube ad one day and immediately caught my attention. Not because I like it, but because it is so ridiculously stupid that I couldn’t resist sharing this peace of our lovely culture with you all.

The song, entitled “I am Woman” by Emmy Meli, is not only a complete atrocity lyrically, but even the melody of the song, which is often the only good part of many songs I have reviewed in the past, sounds like a jigsaw puzzle that hasn’t been put together. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, let’s take a look at what Meli is singing.

“I am woman, I am fearless”

Now, no offense of course, to all you wonderful ladies out there, because quite honestly, I’m not a fan of spiders either, but when a little black insect sets plenty of you screaming, I don’t think that Meli’s generalization is really a fair one. It’d be like saying “I am man, I am smart.” Just not accurate!

“I am sexy, I'm divine”

I certainly can’t recommend the official music video for “I am Woman,” but, if you were to watch it, you would see that Meli is dressed in what is basically a skin-tight swimsuit with animal fur on her arms. It’s really not hard to look sexy when you’re exploiting yourself for views. Furthermore, anyone who participates in that practice really isn’t divine at all, but is rather the opposite, having given themselves into the evil of the world.

“I'm unbeatable, I'm creative”

At this point, I would really love a few examples of how Meli is “unbeatable” and “creative,” because at this point, this song is about as creative as Albert Einstein and his daily outfit.

“Honey, you can get in line”

There’s a line? Gee, I don’t see it, imagine that.

“I am feminine, I am masculine

I am anything I want”

Call me old fashioned, but…Gosh darn it, I don’t think Meli can be both. Being masculine kinda ruins her womanhood.

“I can teach you, I can love you

If you got it goin' on”

Yeah, I don’t believe I’ll be wishing for instruction from this jackanapes anytime soon. So I guess I don’t really want her “love” either. I’d honestly sooner be shot dead.

“If you got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it

If you got it, got it, got it, got it, got it goin' on

Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it

If you got it, got it, got it, got it, got it goin' on

Got it on goin' on, yeah

(Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it goin' on)

(Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it goin' on)”

What. The. Actual. Heck. I have never seen a more uncreative piece of doggy doo in my life. This is Meli’s chorus? It sounds like she went out with her friends, got absolutely stoned, went home with a guy, and then walked away the next morning high on crack while remembering that she had to submit lyrics to her record label that day but had forgotten to write a chorus. Put a little effort into it, good Lord.

“I am classy, I am modern, I live by my own design”

Emmy Meli is not classy, nor is it always a good thing to be modern. And as far as Meli living by her own design, what a complete joke. This whole song is literally written in standard pop song form, Meli is producing it as a result of the anti-patriarchal culture we live in, and there is literally no creativity or originality to this worthless screeching.

“I'm cherry, I'm lemon, I'm the sweetest key lime pie”

LOL CAP.

“I'm electric, I'm bass, I'm the beat of my own drum

I could make your goosebumps raise with the tracing of my thumb

Only love can get inside me

I move in my own timing”

Ah, of course, of course. Man (or, woman, actually) is naturally good, they are independent and strong, and men are worthless and unneeded. Not biblical, but trendy, so we’re all good, I suppose.

“Voice of the future, speak to me kindly

I feel what I want and somehow it find me

Somehow it find me

Somehow it find me”

I have to agree here, Meli probably does get everything she wants. Only spoiled brats have the nerve to write stuff like this. Some no-name little would-be pop star with a rich daddy has all the newest toys and trinkets. And yet, Meli’s bragging comes from a place of insecurity and hurt. A life where one gets all that one can dream of yet knows no love is still a sad life.

Now, as the rest of the song is a bunch of repetition and incoherent junk, let’s get to the melody of the song. While I normally do not spend much time on the melody of a song, as it is either a cookie-cutter pop song or actually isn’t completely vile, as somewhat of a musician myself, I am slightly shocked at how Meli could write a song that really just doesn’t fit together at all. The drums are too loud, the bass is too quiet, and the song is just dull. A few stray chords float out from some kind of computerized jazz organ, but there’s nothing to fill in the space except the metallic-sounding cymbals and the click of the drum sticks. Half of the musicians that Meli shows in the actual “Performance Video” for I Am Woman are just swaying around, not touching their instruments at all. And when Meli embarks on her obnoxiously repetitive “If you got it got it got it…” so called “chorus,” she speeds up the song while everything else stays in the background, quiet and useless. In the second verse, Meli sings very quickly, while the rest of the band remains dull. Boring. Unexciting. By the second chorus, her producer got his stuff together and finally mixed the song right. The bridge, just like a defective puzzle, does not fit with the rest of the song, Meli sings in a squeaky voice akin to Alvin and the Chipmunks. Finally, just before the last chorus, the instruments all become very muddied together as they slowly build into what is an almost rock-sounding finale, about as different as it gets from the song’s somewhat jazzy start. With every syllable in the final chorus, Meli emphasizes it. Picture a toddler screaming “I AM WOMAN, I AM SEXY, I AM FEARLESS, I’M DIVINE” and stomping her foot on the ground, and you more or less have the picture. Meli doesn’t even sing different notes, she basically just keeps her voice as this annoying, same pitched hum. The song really, honestly feels like a hastily thrown together lyrical sheet given to a drunk ten year old who was just told to try and hit every note she can.

So, let’s rate it, shall we?

LOID’S RATING: Hazardous Material.

Stay away, folks. This song makes Olivia Rodrigo sound talented and creative. I’d almost sooner listen to the Baby Shark Song ten times over than this. If you enjoy it, you have no taste in music. Emmy Meli is plain stupid, and deserves to be left in the trash bin of culture. But that won’t happen. The song follows the feminist narrative, so Meli won’t be cancelled. And the song even has 1.4 million views on YouTube alone, so some dumb suckers like it, I guess. It’s an all around shame that this song even exists, but hey, at least I got to mock- I mean review- it.