You people, I am sure that you have noticed that Mr. Loid has been producing much more content than me, at least from the start of the school year and on. But there is a reason for this discrepancy: it was the time of the year that I got to charge at little boys and see them go flying farther from me than Nike from Kayne West, yell “Hold them defense, push ‘em back!”, and hears the clanks, thuds, and rustles, cofunsingly enough, present in hitting others in pads, helmets, girdles and cleats. In other words, football season.
Now, I was on JV, but that was because I am a sophomore, and the varsity is 9-0, the best in the county, while JV was 8-1. I worked out from January to the end of the summer in the offseason, which consisted of conditioning, and mainly weight-lifting, and gained twenty pounds: all in muscle.
It was homecoming weekend last weekend, and your boy has the moves, I have to say. Sure, it was in a gym and I had to be in a damp, smelly gym- because of the sweat, of course, no seriously, it was scary how different the air was in the gym compared to the hallway- but I went with the boys, and as one knows, you always must have your boys’ backs. With all of this in mind, here are ten steps to becoming cool:
1. Work out from January to the end of the Summer in the Football Offseason, Conditioning and Weightlifting, and Gain at Least Twenty Pounds all in Muscle.
Pretty self-explanatory. You should to bench at least 125, preferably more though, like me.
2. Be the First one to be Crowd-Surfed at Your School Homecoming.
See, me, I am an expert in this field, as I have personally undergone this process. Now, how do you do this? Become a likable person, and realize something: if you are dropped, it is either because you are in the girls’ portion of the room, or you weigh so much, in muscle, that even real men cannot pick you up. I am pretty sizable guy, but if I had to guess, I was eventually dropped from a combination of the two.
3. Get to call Kickoff Every Game by Screaming“REEEEADY SSSETTTTTT!”
Again, personal experience. Even if you are losing, you have to make it sound very macho, with a loud yell, but not necessarily the deepest voice. I have a deep voice, so I had to work with what I had, but the end product was still very satisfactory and alpha-sounding.
4. When Someone Compliments you, say, “I get That a lot.”
This happens very often with me, “Joseph, you’re such a helpful person,” “Joseph, you’re really smart,” “Joseph, thanks a ton.” “Yeah, I get that a lot.” It’ll usually make the other person laugh, which usually is because they think it’s true. And do not make the response sound smug and arrogant, but rather that you are in general a man with several puns up his sleeve.
5. Make Extremely Random, Uncalled for Jokes/References
And while we are on the subject of humor, use funny, unexpected puns to your advantage. This makes it seem as though you are prepared for everything, and even if you are not prepared, it can imply that you are a creative, outgoing person looking for places to put the puzzle piece in order to solve it. For example, “Why don’t you like Juandre?” “Are you saying I don’t like Hispanics?” or killing off everybody at the end of your group project, including the cheater wife, and then having the main character realize that the true treasure is money.
6. Play a Sport.
Acceptable sports include swimming, track, football obviously, soccer despite my hatred for it, basketball, wrestling, and lacrosse- NOT. And on that note
7. Don’t Play Lacrosse
Seriously, what’s the point? All the other sports involve getting a ball into a net. The ball is already in a net in lacrosse and you have to put it in a second one. Lacrosse is convoluted nonsense invented by Northeners to say they have a sport that involves pads and a helmet, which disguises it as soccer- but football. No, it is not, and I will fight you if you say otherwise. Actually, I won’t, because you don’t even deserve the dignity of participating a flight. You should just drop dead and take your miserable self off of God’s green Earth.
8. Read.
Might not be very much appreciated by society these days, but a good book forces you to understand concepts of personal belief and religion- maybe even culture and politics.
9. Finish the rep.
PUSH!
10. Don’t be a Lib, but Don’t be a Libertarian Either.
The first point is obvious, but the second one may be less so. I have this friend named Aiden. I saw a Libertarian debate clip last year, and one of the candidates said something to the effect of “you don’t need a license to purchase a toaster, but for some reason, you need one to purchase a gun!” and Aiden said, “low-key, kind of true.” Don’t be like Aiden.
And you know what? I know this is a ten-step list, but here's a bonus!
Have Some Sort of Drip
Everyone of course has money constraints, but there is more substance behind this than you think: the real essence of coolness is the possession of confidence. "Joseph!" you might say, "but doesn't drip just fill the void of confidence?" You are right my friend, sometimes it does, but other times it does not. Of course, don't make it excessive: just show that you have style, not modern, for obvious reasons. For me, I saved for a long time and worked hard in yards to own a pair of Ray-Ban Classic Aviators and sometimes, I wear them. They're cool, and when you get told you too, alongside me look like Tom Cruise, I'm sure you'll thank me for the reccommendation.
And that’s it folks! I hoped you learned something, much like I learned to conceal DNA evidence.
This is hilarious, you prideful idiot.