Of all the ugly singers our culture seems to adore so much, Lizzo has to be the most unattractive. Call me sexist, racist, fatphobic, whatever you will, but it’s a generally accepted idea that a morbidly obese person trying to present herself as a sexy single is less attractive than a slimmer, less cocky person. Lizzo seems to enjoy being a fatzo so I’m not concerned about offending her. But good things can come in bad packages. So today I’d like to see if Queen Flabby Dabby redeems herself in the music business or not. So let’s give “About Damn Time” a listen.
“It's bad b**ch o'clock, yeah, it's thick-thirty
I've been through a lot but I'm still flirty (okay)”
Seems like my asterisk key will be getting a lot of use in this review. Anyway, the first thing that came to mind when listening to this line was “Ah, imagine a fat black woman twerking at a funeral while listening to this song and just saying “IT’S THICK THIRTY GUYS.” It’s not party time all the time, but Lizzo seems to think it is. I love how Lizzo seems to think being thick (or thicc, rather) is such a great thing when she really just looks like a hunched over sack of potatoes. Furthermore, when did flirtyness become a virtue? Ladies, how many of you really want a bunch of men thinking you’re into them? Or, more accurately, how many of you think guys really want to think Lizzo is into them?
“Is everybody back up in the buildin'?
It's been a minute, tell me how you're healin'
'Cause I'm about to get into my feelings
How you feelin'? How you feel right now?”
Healing from what? Seeing Lizzo at the beach? And feelings are so iffy anyways: I was pretty happy till I started reviewing this song.
“Oh, I've been so down and under pressure
I'm way too fine to be this stressed, yeah”
Pressure and stress are two things that everyone experiences. In the words of David Bowie and Queen, “Pressure pushin' down on me, Pressin' down on you, no man ask for…” To say that you’re “too fine” to be stressed is to elevate yourself to a high and mighty position, and it really makes you sound like a pride-filled idiot. I’m way too fine to deal with the problems this world presents me, I’m way too fine to feel pressure to work so I can eat, to do school so I can get a job, I’m just too good for it all. I guess I’m not too good to starve and fail high school then.
“Oh, I'm not the girl I was or used to be
Uh, b**ch, I might be better”
So far I’m not seeing much betterment.
“Turn up the music, turn down the lights
I got a feelin' I'm gon' be alright
Okay (okay), alright
It's about damn time (time)”
Ah yes, Lizzo is throwing a party for herself. I wonder how much cake she’ll eat. Probably going to get rejected at the dance floor, poor woman. Maybe she’ll wind up drunk and passed out on the floor of her friend's house.
“In a minute I'ma need a sentimental
Man or woman to pump me up
Feeling fussy, walkin' in my Balenci-ussy's
Tryna bring out the fabulous”
Bring out the fabulous? This is honestly almost insulting, is Lizzo really making her fat little (ginormous, actually) self the pinnacle of what we working class serfs should try to be? I am, of course, taking this song too seriously, but still, this fat lady is walking around in “Balenci-ussy’s” acting like sentimental people are her slaves who exist only to bring out her “fabulous.”
“'Cause I give a f*** way too much
I'ma need like two shots in my cup
One to get up, one to get down
Mm, that's how I feel right now”
It’s really not a bad thing to give a f(rick), there are a lot of things that need to be cared about, and weight watching is generally on that list.
“I'm comin' out tonight, I'm comin' out tonight (uh-huh)
I'm comin' out tonight, I'm comin' out tonight (woo)
I'm comin' out tonight, I'm comin' out tonight”
Oh it’s a coming out party. Alright. Forget it, I can’t insult someone who’s coming out. I mean, I just came out as emo myself, so I understand the pride that comes with telling all your friends you’re either gay, think you’re the opposite gender, or some other nonsense that no one really cares about.
Anyway, the rest of “About Damn Time” is filled with a bunch of repetition, recycled nonsense from a self worshiping chubster about how her life is so great because she harnessed the goodness within. It really must be on the list of the top three stupidest songs I’ve reviewed. And I understand it’s meant to be a party song, it’s not about the lyrics, it’s about the music, but still, the song has no story to it; there was no event (heartbreak, etc) that Lizzo writes about, she just tells us all she’s down to party. And that’s really all the melody of “About Damn Time” is, too: a danceable beat good for a bunch of middle aged couples to dance to at their high school reunion.
LOID'S RATING: 1/5
In the end, “About Damn Time” is just a worthless song with worthless lyrics made by a self-worshiping singer.
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